Sakura Dreams

I don’t remember a lot about my dad whom I haven’t seen since 5th Grade. I kind of don’t fully remember our last meeting, but I remember bits and pieces.

It was raining when I hugged him. I was crying, and he was too. Despairing over what this ‘family’ has become.

It all fell apart when I was in 3rd Grade. I remember pieces of that tragic event.

It was a sunny day. I was playing in the lobby while Dad was watching tv, Mom was doing some laundry. We had three other relatives living in our house, including a baby.

It all happened too fast. This I couldn’t remember: a small fight broke off. Though, I do remember my Dad inviting me to go over my close cousin’s house to play. I, of course agreed. I was all dressed up when my Mom told me not to go. She was mad. I was torn. My Dad was telling me to go with him, My Mom told me not to. It was like I’m being forced to choose between one of them in such a short time. I was near tears. My Dad got angry and went back at the house and that’s when they fought… Loud voices, hurtful words and even vases were thrown against each other, though not really aiming against each other, just in front of each other. They were so mad at each other like never before. So angry. So uncaring. And it hurt me… bad. I was only 9 years old back then. I can’t take all those and I screamed but their angry eyes remained at each other, though their shouts ceased. I ran to my room and locked it as they tried to enter. My Mom was never one to show her affections easily, though I could always see she loves me. She tried to open the door but to no avail. I curled up in a ball in my room, crying my heart out. What was happening that time didn’t process properly in my mind. Never had they been this… mad.

What has the world become? I’m seeing haters everywhere. This is just no ordinary hate, they’re bashing each other on social networking sites!

Please, people stop the hate. Why are you spreading it instead of love?

This is so terrible. May God help us, please.

I’m feeling so low and insecure again.

I often look at the mirror and compare myself to other beautiful girls. I feel so out of their leagues. They’re so beautiful and sexy and have such fair white skin.

There are a lot of people who says I’m beautiful… but I don’t feel it. Whenever I look in the mirror, I see countless flaws.

I’ve been loveless for such a long time, I’m getting kind of lonely. It’s not like I always need boys, it’s just that in the past, I had a boy I was really, REALLY closed with, and we loved each other. We were best friends and at the same time, have that relationship of a boyfriend and girlfriend, though we can’t get to that relationship ‘cause I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend yet.

So yeah, we had a lot of happy memories together. We were so in love with each other, and then things came up. Twisted fate also came in the way between us, another boy came in my life.

The moment I found out what was happening, I knew it was a trap. Once I return the feelings to that other boy, things will go bad. I knew full well it was a trap and it would ruin the peaceful and happy relationship I have with the other, yet I gave in. The other boy(first one) knew yet he still loved me, though he would often confess he’s hurt, not physically, but emotionally.

Then things got out of hand, and my nightmare-like expectation took motion, and we ended…

After we ended, I never had a steady relationship. In our city, we call it MU- Mutual Understanding, you like him, he likes you. A good relationship where you’re more than friends but less than lovers, and you treat each other like boyfriend and girlfriend but don’t acknowledge that kind of thing for you (boyfriend & girlfriend) It’s only me though that doesn’t want to accept that relationship, ‘cause like I said, I’m not allowed to have a boyfriend yet.

So yeah, I never had a steady relationship, only lasting for a weeks, the longest is a month and a month and a half.

The last MU relationship I had was in September 2012, now it’s April 2013. I’m not used to this, that’s why I’m like this. Though I have what they call “fans”, I just don’t get attracted to them, and they keep on liking me, and I just treat them as close friends.

They’re great though, always worrying for me, always making me laugh and always protecting me, and I love them as my close friends.

Every now and then, I would remember the past. All those happy moments, then it would crack, then I would hate myself for knowing what would happen, yet still went with it.

I also noticed the change in him (first). He really, really changed. The sweet, caring, kind and shy boy I once loved changed. He became flirtatious, bad, keeps bragging and he just changed… Somehow, I knew it was my fault, I had a great impact on him, I hurt him so much.

Back then, when I told him my feelings for him were gone, he was so heartbroken, yet he keeps on pursuing me, trying to win me back. He would greet me “Good Morning, I love you so much.” and “Good Night, I love you so much. J misses you, I do too.” All the time.

J( name changed ) is the teddy bear I gave him on his birthday, and he said it’s like our little boy, and he really treated him great, he would hug him every now and then. Also, he would give me chocolates every now and then.

Then on Valentines Night, he texted me again asking me how I was. I smiled, somehow feelings were resurfacing but not enough to keep me awake. I was so tired from the days’ activities, Valentines celebration that I told him “Good night, I’m so tired to day. Send my regards to J.” I tried to stop myself saying “i love you” ‘cause I didn’t want to bring his hopes up and then unknowingly crush it.

The next day, when I texted him, it took him so long to reply I got worried, when he did, he replied bluntly and dead panned. That’s when I knew he finally gave up. That was February 15, 2012, exactly 8 months after I first fell in love with him which was on June 15, 2011.

I felt so mad at myself. I let the perfect one go, he was also my best friend. But our friendship went along with our romantic relationship. After that, he started treating me as an outsider. As someone who never mattered. The blame was on me. I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. It’s really hard to explain it like this, I’m sure YOU who is reading it right now is thinking bad things about me, I’m sorry. It is my fault after all, but I have a reason that is very hard to explain. So I’m like this now. Our memories together would often flash in my mind, teasing me of what a great mistake I did, of what I lost. Right now, I’m just waiting for the right person to enter my life. Often times I would stare at a stare or say to my self “I wonder what you are doing now.” A question directed for that special someone. I keep waiting for him… I wonder when he would show up.

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is: I have a solution to one of my impossible dreams, having an older brother AND I can choose whoever I want it to be.

The bad news is: I don’t know if fusing DNAs is possible, and even if it is possible, how can I do it? Damn.

What am I gonna do with this?

I feel so lonely. The missing piece is getting into me again. I don’t know what to do with this fully knowing my wish and dream is IMPOSSIBLE. Believe me, it is.

Yeah, say “Nothing Is Impossible” , but I wonder what you would say when you find out about my wish.

Say, to all those who live in Japan and Korea, what’s it like? What’s it like to live there?

I often wonder if I move to Japan or Korea, would my life be like those of an anime? Romance, adventure, happiness. You know, the sorts.

Please answer me, what’s it like in Japan or Korea?

Awhile ago, I posted in one of my social networking sites to ask me in another social networking site about asking question.

After awhile, someone said mean things to me in that asking site. It didn’t hurt at all but it bothered me. I didn’t entertain it though. I tried not to mind them.

Haters will not be entertained. Some say they’re just jealous but it still bothers me.

My Summer is kinda _____ . Boring. I often wonder when my life would take a turn for the better. With all the romance and adventure and happiness.

It’s the missing piece again. It’s PIECES now with the BROTHER I COULD NEVER HAVE. It’s lonely. I keep longing for the life that of an anime and this is wrong.

I guess I have to wait… I have to be patient. Time will come, God knows. I’m really lonely though.

I wonder if I move to Japan or Korea, would I get to experience those romantic and happy life like in the animes I watch?

I wonder if I would be able to make it there. If I would be able to meet someone who is like those amazing anime characters? Sweet, loving, protective, gentleman. You know it.

What’s it like in Japan or Korea? I wanna know.